This past year has been the hardest year of my life. I spent three months after moving out of my home, leaving my cat, the love of my life and moving back to my nans by cutting myself off all social media, deleting blog posts, and hiding myself away. I channelled my energy and drive into restarting University, thinking that it would change me as a person, thinking that I would be a new person, but whilst still living in the past and not addressing mental health problems- that doesn’t happen.
I have spent time creating unpublished blog posts of outfit inspiration, interiors and current trends and just realised my heart and passion wasn’t in it at all. I thought that I had fallen out of love with blogging and writing, when actually I had just fallen out love with myself. I have felt like a shell of a person, self conscious, anxious and paranoid, and like I will never fall in love again. It’s so easy to post pictures on Instagram and for people to think that you’re having the time of your life, purely because you want people to think that instead of knowing that your whole life is falling apart. 24, still living at home, no idea where my life is going, single and depressed.
However my closest friends and family have urged me to start writing again, regardless of who reads it, what I am writing about, and just find myself again. I have also been watching a lot of Buddhism videos on Youtube, and whilst that won’t be for a lot of you it has helped me come to terms with simple facts- that we condition ourselves from past outcomes, and always strive to the future, living with the thought that things will always be better in the future, instead of embracing the now and how we can be happy in the present. When things don’t work out how we expect or have been conditioned to believed that’s when we suffer. Recovery is such a long road, and I know it takes a long time to change conditioned thoughts, but I do hope that I am going to start accepting my present instead of living in the past, and waiting for the future.